Okay, so maybe it's not that dramatic, but it is something I plan on doing occasionally when I don't have more substantial posts in the works. The format for my It Came From YouTube series is simple: I'll post different videos I've found on YouTube, accompanied by my unique brand of commentary. Let's go to the first clip!
Exhibit A: How a Young Man's Simple Game of Joust Turned His Living Room into a Battlefield
Joust is a seriously awesome game. I mean, what's more fun that riding a flying ostrich across a screen knocking enemy jousters off their ostriches and collecting eggs left behind? Video game players in the '80s got a real treat with this game as two friends could go head-to-head. It's one of the most fondly remembered games of the '80s, but this 2-minute long ad is a bird of a different feather.
First off, I never knew an ordinary living room in a suburban would be a jousting arena. While's it bigger than the average living room, it's not exactly the kind of place where knights, perched upon their ostriches, can duel to the death without causing all kinds of destruction. I have to wonder where this kid's parents are or why none of the neighbors aren't rushing over to find out what the hell is going on at this place.
As if that isn't bad enough, the jousters actually rise through the floorboards of the house to do battle. Where may I ask, did they come from? Was this house built on some Indian burial ground a la Poltergeist? Is there another dimension that exists beneath this home? Or is the kid having a really bad acid trip? The mind boggles at exactly where these mysterious knights and their ostriches come from.
But the cherry that tops off this sundae of an absolute mind-fucker is the climax. After the victor conveniently crashes through the window, presumably to find another kid in the neighborhood with a copy of Joust so he can battle more knights, the kid in this spot finds an egg on his floor. This isn't just some little egg you find in a carton at the supermarket, oh no. This egg is about as big as a sofa chair cushion and measures about as long as a chair leg. Upon making this discovery, the guy picks up the egg, and I shit you not, stuffs the goddamn thing down this throat! Somehow this egg shrinks in size as he swallows it, making it look like he's deflating a balloon.
Then comes the moment that makes this ad so ridiculously crazy and trippy. The guy starts spinning around like he's having an epileptic fit. It sounds weird enough, but then his head starts transforming. By the end of the commercial, this poor kid's head has become that of an ostrich's. I'll let that one sink in your minds for a few minutes.
I'm absolutely speechless at the whole concept for this ad. Advertising majors, take note: if you ever create commercial concepts, please don't do so while under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs. If nothing else will convince you, the sight of a man's head transforming into an ostrich's will. Anyone who plans on taking any drugs while reading this, don't even bother. Watching this ad alone will give you a trip that not even the worst hallucinogens can top.
Exhibit B: Did You Know Glenn Beck Moonlighted as a Televangelist?
That's not exactly true, but seeing this guy rant and rave you'd swear it was the former Fox News pundit. This guy's name is Jonathan Bell, a Canadian expatriate who decided he'd settle into the Dallas-Fort Worth area and spread the word of God via televangelism. After the various televangelist scandals in the late '80s, Bell took a different avenue than the Bakkers and Swaggarts of earlier. Bell opted for a cheaply-made cable access program shot with a single camera and a cheap blue backdrop. This is as low-rent as it gets, folks. Not even the movies of Edward D. Wood, Jr., Al Adamson, and Ted V. Mikels look as cash-strapped as Bell's show. I think the video shot for my childhood birthday parties had better production values than Bell's short-lived program (He did only two shows before pulling the plug).
Bell took a more confrontational approach than his predecessors. Whether Bell was yelling about Satanists supposedly melting babies into candles or telling men and women to love Jesus and God before they love anyone else, he was never at a loss for inane subjects. Hearing him persuade his audience to tell the police or him if they've been inappropriately touched and then finding out that this guy is a registered sex offender for slapping the rears of young boys shows where this wackjob's priorities really are.
Even funnier is the fact that Bell was once a hairdresser. Yes, you read that right. A man with badly thinning hair somehow managed to get a license to do other people's hair. Next thing you know, Cher is going to be telling women to respect their natural beauty and avoid plastic surgery.
On a more serious note, it's a good thing this pondscum has vanished into obscurity. Then again, I'm hardly surprised that a televangelist would get caught in such a scandalous incident.
That's it for this first installment of It Came From YouTube.
